A Part of Me Is...

Often I have the experience of feeling painfully awash with fear or worry or procrastination, so that I can't really 'see' anything else in life. I am finding that there IS a way to take tiny steps toward freedom and spaciousness, even in the midst of overwhelming emotions.

In my last post, I wrote about Ann Weisser Cornell's teaching on Focusing. A major learning I'm implementing from Cornell's book The Power of Focusing, is a phrase that helps me remember that not ALL of me is involved in whatever emotion may be distressing me at the moment.

One of the things that often happens to me is that I plan the night before to spend time making art the next day. However, next day, I may procrastinate and start criticizing myself for not working on any art projects.

When I remember to say, "'A part of me' does not want to make art today," it does two things for me. First, I can acknowledge that some energy, maybe resistance, or another commitment, is pulling me away from my artmaking. When I recognize the resistance, it can relax - it is being heard. It's still there, but the pull is not so strong.

Second, it is very important for me to recognize that this feeling is a 'part' of me, not all encompassing. Whew! This leaves room for so much possibility! Particularly:

• It frees me to become aware of my Higher Self - that spacious place of inner peace that is connected to the All
• There is room for other points of view, within me or outside of me, that have a different perspective on my dilemma, and
• It frees me to live in the moment, to enjoy the sunlight on my worktable, to appreciate my dog's easy presence, without being immersed in my overwhelming angst

Helene Brenner, in I Know I'm in There Somewhere, writes:

"Your Larger Self is bigger than all of your thoughts, feelings and life problems. Whenever you forget this and make something or someone else bigger than You are, you are out of touch with your Larger Self."

This Larger Self is is so much more than your thoughts and feelings. It is not necessarily God or a Higher Power, but is the wise inner knowing that whispers truth and freedom and compassion. How easily I can drown that voice, lose touch with it, by listening only to my problem.

My journey is, each time I find myself immersed in the experience of berating myself for not making art and buying yet more supplies, to repeat the mantra - "A Part of Me is feeling ashamed now." "A Part of Me is scared." "A Part of Me is upset."

Ahhh, then I have some room to breathe. Wishing you the same.

A Fresh New Start

As of this week, I am officially re-focusing on my life as an artist! Making art and 'things' is my first and deepest love, and I'm excited to be moving in this direction!

I'm reading a book called I Know I'm in There Somewhere: A Woman's Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity by Helene G. Brenner, Ph. D. Brenner speaks to me so deeply. I've felt for most of my life, since jr. high, that I lost my voice. Reassuringly, it isn't lost, I just haven't attended to it. Brenner has many exercises in the book to recover one's capacity to 'hear' your voice.

Additionally, as a coach, I trained with Marlena Fields, who teaches bodymindspirit awareness, based on Hakomi psychotherapy, a body based therapy. In Marlena's class, I met a friend who has shared some focusing techniques with me, this based on the work of Eugene Gendlin and Ann Weiser Cornell, and teaches one to learn to read felt body sensations.

I mention all this as it is a significant part of my journey, and is helping me to let go of feeling that making art is just a self-serving activity, something not as important as coaching or working as an occupational therapist.

I am embracing the joy I feel when I play around with fabric, thread, stitiching, paints and natural dyes!

I've written a vision statement, and here it is:

My vision is to bring more creativity, joy, imagination and wonder into the world through the making and sharing of my art.

I'll be using my blog to give a running commentary on my process, learnings, experiments and healing. Indeed, it has been very healing already to make this commitment to the one thing in life that makes me so happy.

The Snarl of Perfectionism

Does perfectionism ever scare you away from enjoying making art? It sure has for me. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm taking a pastel drawing/painting class. I really love pastels, and want to learn to work loosely with them.

I find myself often caught in the bind of not wanting to try anything different on a piece I'm working on because I don't want to 'ruin' it. I want it to turn out looking perfect, and so I don't take chances on making different markings, or experiment with other colors.

I am trying to drop this perfectionist tendency. It stops me from experimenting and learning more about the medium. I lose my opportunity to see what's in front of me. And I'm more likely to continue my obsession with tiny details which feels stifling. Perfectionism also stops me from having fun and finding the joy in making art.

So this little guy inspires me in a couple of ways - first, to consider that my perfectionism is not all that fierce.

Second, next time it kicks in I'll just snarl back at it and keep on going my merry way!

Have fun creating this week!



Image from flikr, used with creative commons license.

What is art?

A friend sent me a reference to Karen's Whimsy website today. On it, I found Karen's tribute to her mother, who died of Alzheimer's Disease. Karen's mom made artful arrangements of seeds, flowers and stems in the garden as her disease progressed. Karen photographed these and made a video. You can read about her project here and see the video here (you may need a browser such as Firefox to view the video).

This is such a loving and poignant memoir of a creative woman. When we find ourselves struggling in our creativity, it is a powerful reminder of what art is.

Expectations

I'm living in Port Aransas, Texas, for the next few weeks. There's a great little art center here called 'Art Center of the Islands' that has weekly drop-in art classes. I started attending a pastel class last week.

I almost didn't go to my first class, even though I've wanted to use pastels for about 20 years! Fortunately, my husband helped me get through that barrier. He asked me what would be the worst that would happen. I said that I wanted to create a masterpiece. I wanted to make a picture that would knock everyone's socks off. The worst thing would be that I would make something reallyugly and disappointing.

Talk about crazy expectations. We all have them. Different flavors, such as 'I'll never be any good at that', or 'I have to be the best in the class' or 'I don't have any original ideas'. Whatever they are, they can stop us from ever starting. And they prevent us from learning and enjoying ourselves.

I was able to giggle a little bit about my big ole expectation, and decided to go into the class with the following guidelines:

• I want to have fun
• Let's just see what happens

Well, I got MY socks knocked off! I learned that like watercolors and oils, pastels are used in layers. You can even change the way something looks by coloring over it completely. So they have qualities of paints, without the water; and qualities of drawing, but with a looser approach. Is that why I have wanted to use them for years? Because they are just about the perfect medium for me?

I love drawing, but not in the painstakingly accurate way that pencils lend themseves to. I like painting but get frustrated with mixing color, only to have it run out. Pastels proved to be the best of both worlds - a medium for creating images, and COLOR!!!

If I had been stopped by my expectation that I had to create perfection from the get-go, I would never have discovered a medium that delights me, and, as long as I keep my pesky expectations in line, promises to be a fascinating teacher for me.

What might happen if you substituted an attitude of curiosity and a desire to have fun for your expectations? [Hint: Surprise!! Delight!!]

Retreat?

Ahhhhhh!

When everything gets crazy, you feel completely overwhelmed and like you don't have a minute to spare, that's when it's most important to carve out some time for yourself.

Jennifer Louden is running a contest on her ComfortQueen blog in which she's giving away a free pass to her February 2010 Virtual Retreat. You can get some bubble bath and retreat without ever having to leave home! Check out the information and entry requirements on the ComfortQueen blog

When I read about it, I thought, Oh no, I'm already overloaded with people wanting to tell me how to be happy, creative, successful. How can I possibly listen to 11 more lectures about it, in between everything else I've got scheduled? Then I listened to a short video from Jennifer and realized, (DUH!) it's a retreat! That's all you're supposed to do ALL DAY - is RETREAT!

Now I get it!

Enjoy the SLIDESHOW.

Bowl of the Year

I've been reading Sue Bender's Everyday Sacred. The cover image is a simple bowl and since Bender is a potter, the bowl is a central theme in her book. Bender thoughtfully reflects on the monk's beggar bowl, with which he asks for his daily nourishment.

It occured to me that a year is like a bowl - circular, complete, repeating from one year to the next, with an arbitrary beginning / ending point. And yet each year, unique.

What has filled your 2009 bowl? What did you ask for? What came to your bowl unbidden? Perhaps your bowl was filled with ease, perhaps challenge or hardship, certainly it was filled with change.

No matter what your year bowl contains, I imagine it is rich and savory. Yet you may want to spice it up a bit, or perhaps add an accompaniment to cool it down.

Bring your year bowl into your heart space and feel deep appreciation for a year of nourishment, for the gift and blessings of the year. Feel gratitude as well for the challenges, which may take some time to reveal their lessons or blessings.

Lastly, carefully cleanse your bowl and prepare it for a new year of offerings.

May your new year bring you peace.