Expectations

I'm living in Port Aransas, Texas, for the next few weeks. There's a great little art center here called 'Art Center of the Islands' that has weekly drop-in art classes. I started attending a pastel class last week.

I almost didn't go to my first class, even though I've wanted to use pastels for about 20 years! Fortunately, my husband helped me get through that barrier. He asked me what would be the worst that would happen. I said that I wanted to create a masterpiece. I wanted to make a picture that would knock everyone's socks off. The worst thing would be that I would make something reallyugly and disappointing.

Talk about crazy expectations. We all have them. Different flavors, such as 'I'll never be any good at that', or 'I have to be the best in the class' or 'I don't have any original ideas'. Whatever they are, they can stop us from ever starting. And they prevent us from learning and enjoying ourselves.

I was able to giggle a little bit about my big ole expectation, and decided to go into the class with the following guidelines:

• I want to have fun
• Let's just see what happens

Well, I got MY socks knocked off! I learned that like watercolors and oils, pastels are used in layers. You can even change the way something looks by coloring over it completely. So they have qualities of paints, without the water; and qualities of drawing, but with a looser approach. Is that why I have wanted to use them for years? Because they are just about the perfect medium for me?

I love drawing, but not in the painstakingly accurate way that pencils lend themseves to. I like painting but get frustrated with mixing color, only to have it run out. Pastels proved to be the best of both worlds - a medium for creating images, and COLOR!!!

If I had been stopped by my expectation that I had to create perfection from the get-go, I would never have discovered a medium that delights me, and, as long as I keep my pesky expectations in line, promises to be a fascinating teacher for me.

What might happen if you substituted an attitude of curiosity and a desire to have fun for your expectations? [Hint: Surprise!! Delight!!]

Stinkpots!

I got to hear quilt artist Susan Shie last night at the Front Range Contemporary Quilters meeting in Westminster, Colorado. She's delightful with a great sense of humor. I'm looking forward to taking her workshop later this week at High Peaks Camp outside Estes Park.

When I got home I saw Robert Genn's twice weekly newsletter on Artists with Low Self Esteem. You can find this letter here. I count myself as one of the 10 percent or more of artists with low self esteem, due to childhood experiences.

I learned two things from Susan and Robert tonight that have helped me immensely. First, Susan pointed out that one of the recurring images in her quilts is the stinkpot. Stinkpots are like compost bins or piles. You put your garbage thoughts in them and they decay and through a magical energy exchange turn into the most wonderful fertile muck that helps you grow strong. I love that idea of a stinkpot filled with all my stinky negative self doubt, where I can imagine it changing into a mud mask that will comfort, support and encourage me!

Second, Robert wrote that a 'patient methodical approach' is needed to overcome low self esteem. As I reflected on this, I recognized a problem area for me. Because this process of dealing with low self esteem takes sooooooo much time, and I want to be over it like last YEAR, I often look at slow progress and interpret it as NO progress!

Does this happen to you? If so, stop this moment, think back 5 or 10 or 20 years, and see how far you've come. Right? The fact that there's still more work to do does not negate how much work you've ALREADY DONE!

So get your stinkpot ready and next time you catch yourself saying something mean and nasty to yourself, write it down and stick it in the stinkpot. The more garbage you put in there, and the worse it smells, the more lovely will be your flower beds and the juicier will be your tomatoes!

Here's my stinkpot. What's yours look like?

Big Creative Block Lifted!

Today is a wonderful day for my creativity! I have been blocked for months! I've had fabric out to try to get motivated, talked with students in my creativity coaching class about the block, tried making my expectations more limited, and still couldn't get started.



I left my OT job at our local hospital a year ago about this time and that was very painful for me. I jumped into building up my coaching business, but felt very sad about leaving patients and co-workers who had become friends.



I also had packed up my downtown studio and moved it into storage 6 months prior to leaving that job. I brought some supplies, fabrics and beads home, but lots went into storage. This morning I finally unpacked a big box of beads that's been sitting, in the way, on my worktable for a year. I really didn't remember what was in it, and, OH GLORY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!!
These are some antique glass Mardi Gras beads that I bought on a vacation to New Orleans probably 15 years ago! Obviously they had never been thrown from a float!! They are glass, made in Czechoslovakia, and obviously seconds, but so colorful and bright and fun!These are just of few of my very favorites. Some glass shell beads I bought from Robin Atkins a few years ago, some great old coral, ancient Roman (green) glass beads that had been cleaned, some small clay Central American birds from a great dealer in Hinsdale, IL, a partial strand of ancient glass and striped agate amulets, and a cast polymer clay face.
I feel like the floodgates have opened, creativity can flow again! Like the Japanese goddess Amateratsu, the stone has been removed, I've come out of the dark cave, into the sunlight and my spirit, seeing all that just thrills me, can dance wildly! I didn't realize that my block was my grief at leaving my work pals, and thought I'd gotten over that. Finding my favorite beads was another important step in completing that circle, and allowing me to move forward.

See you later, I'm off to pet my beads!